I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
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7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I am a gravy boat captain
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Big Sex has us all fooled
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”