I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Home is where your toilet is.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend