I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Inside you there are two wolves
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.