I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
broke down and did it
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
We have a winner.