I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you