I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
This pepper has seen some shit
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
i want to work in this restaurant
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too