I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
You Might Also Like
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?