I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.