I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me