@TheCatWhisprer: I'm wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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@TraylorParker: Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON! Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk? Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we're walking home.
@shariv67: Parents tell you their baby's weight because they have no other information. They can't say "Meet Jim, a free spirit who's into yodeling."
@ShutUpThatsWho: [God creating cheesecake] GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good ANGEL: shouldn't u share it? GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]