I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Put the is in disheveled
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.