@TheCatWhisprer: I'm wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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@beefman138: *Brings pen to sword fight* Guy with sword : What's that? Me : Tis mightier! *Gets beheaded*
@tastefactory: "I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
@JamesonN7: Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue..... Oh you don't think that will ever be an issue, okay
@ohheyohhihello: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like- ME: I'D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES SE: -on your sandwich? ME: FIXER PUPPER