@sharpular: I'm wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
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@StellaGMaddox: I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won't stop talking to me and I think I've made a horrible mistake.
@AsgardianRose: Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend? God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak. Me: Ah. That's right. Gross.
@citizenkawala: Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don't even know where to begin with this
@ojedge: [1st date] [to self] Don't let her know ur a boa constrictor Her: "How's your meal?" [i've dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]