I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
You Might Also Like
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
guilty
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“you recording!?”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Phonetics
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.