I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
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[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
The Others (2001)
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.