Blew out my flip flop…
You Might Also Like
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Have kids, they said
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*