I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
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A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
S O O N
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity