“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
You Might Also Like
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Bread puns are on the rise!
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future