I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
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Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain