I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
You Might Also Like
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.