I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.