I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
You Might Also Like
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”