@TravLeBlanc: I'm working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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@BackrowSeats: The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
@AlexRogaski: You don't serve tuna do you? "No sir, we don't serve fish here" *A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
@SondraDeeMe: [home] FRIEND: How'd family dinner go? ME: Huge mess to clean. F: It's spotless! M: *sprays luminol* You'd never know they were even here.
@sixfootcandy: Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again. Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?