In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”