I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
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Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.