I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Every. Damn. Time.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.