ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
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Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’M CRYINGGG
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I never needed anything more in my life
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!