I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
You Might Also Like
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”