I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“Sheer Arrogance”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
smartest karate player in the world
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car