@WeissBrandon: I'm "yells at people who drive too fast in my neighborhood" years old
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@jazmasta: [at Indian restaurant] "Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!" "Samosa?" "Oh no thanks, I'm full"
@CopBroughtPizza: i'm reading this thesaurus. it's really interesting, or should i say... very interesting.
@DirtMcTurd: For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
@kelkulus: Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from "Leader of North Korea" to "Supreme Leader of North Korea" by adding sour cream and extra cheese.