Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
You Might Also Like
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
who did the taste test?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
why isn’t he texting back