Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat