Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
You Might Also Like
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.