Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2022 be like

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien