*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards