*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”