*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs