Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
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[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Think I pulled my liver
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there