PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
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You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?