Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
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What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea