Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you