Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
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My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.