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48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I ate everything, including the H.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Battery falling down a hole
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.