I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Tuesday