Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
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Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
inside you are two wolves
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!