[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
shut up and take my money
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon