Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
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(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things