Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.