Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
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I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.