Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
This kid is a star!
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner