imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.