imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
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ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
#Caturday
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie