Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
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*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Guilty! 🤪
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that