Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
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date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.